Thursday, November 26, 2009


Neb. man gets 3 years for stealing SD fire truck
Neb. drops theft charges against auto executives
Make up your mind!

More remains found at home of missing Calif. teen
What's missing?

Intimate Ella Fitzgerald, Rediscovered
I believe the formal term is exhumed.

Iran Censured Over Nuclear Program by U.N. Watchdog
How you like that Mullah? CENSURED!

Schott's Vocab: Deletionists
Ross Douthat: Evaluations
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet

Shopping Around for the Best Medical Care Prices
You FOOLS! ObamaCare will emininate the need to shop for competitive pricing by eliminating competition, thusby creating a competitive market within a governmental agency-structure. It's so much more sensible!

German Minister Resigns Over Airstrike
Only 65 years, but better late than never, I say!

Report: Montgomery took steroids to beat Greene
The dark side of environmentalism.

Bank Of Mexico Keeps Rates On Hold At 4.5% '
Quatro y Cinco percente'? Es muy fantastico!

Today's Highlight in History:

In 1701, astronomer Anders Celsius, inventor of the Celsius temperature scale, was born in Uppsala, Sweden. In Kelvin that would be 1932 in Montgomery, Alabama.

In 1970, Pope Paul VI, visiting the Philippines, was slightly wounded at the Manila airport by a dagger-wielding Bolivian painter disguised as a priest. and thus concludes the story of how the game Clue was created.


Melting Ice Sheets Boost Sea Levels

Obama Quietly Backs Patriot Act Provisions
Golf applause is in order.

Utah man makes wrong turn, sees train approaching
Oh, his poor widows!

Deputies use backhoe to find drugs in septic tank
Hey, I'm not brack and my name is spelled Ho!

Obama to attend Denmark climate summit
"Is this where I get my medal?"

5 Questionable Health Screening Tests
The title of an ObamaCare pamphlet.

Police: Dad leaves boy and goes into strip club

Report: Women Will Suffer Brunt of Climate Change

Especially minority ones in wheelchairs!

Zhu Zhu Mania: Why Hamster Toys Are Hit Christmas Gifts

Because Cabbage Patch Dolls don't fit in Richard Gere's ass.

Climate 'czar' says hacked e-mails don't change anything
...unless the media reports it.

Google Refuses to Remove Crude Image of Michelle Obama

Oh my God, they made her look like Bush & Hitler!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Do you have Christmas in France? CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS.

Afghan Strategy Will Contain Messages to Several Audiences Be everything to everyone: A Winning Strategy!

I have noticed fewer speeches from him & Biden.

G.M. Says It Won't Close Plants in Germany
They'll close them here first!

Mayor Says Student Scores Will Factor Into Teacher Tenure
Maybe his job should be secured by parental involvement as well.

ObamaCare = Waterboarding.

IAEA chief: Iran must accept nuclear proposal
a tersly written rebuke is shortly forthcoming!

Iran seeks to quiet critic inside ruling system
Nothing works like a little tongue removal!

Iran clerics start taking control of schools
Iran, NEA...What's the diff?

Is the Senate Health Care Bill Better Off Dead?

I thinks it's more like "Death of a Salesman".

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Mom, Dad...Obama didn't pay my rent!

France shows off cutting-edge navy ship in Russia
It has a state-of-the-art surrender flag.

Goodbye jobs, hello mom and dad, say young adults
Why don't they move in with Obama? They voted for this!

China executes 2 for role in tainted milk scandal
PETA is not going to like this. Cows are people too!

Afghan AG's office says 15 ministers being probed
Be gentle. They may still be virgins.

Teensy Chameleon Is New Species
Spontaneous evolution...Darwin was right!

Buffalo Ships USB 3.0 Hard Drive
Evolution is obviously working for bison.

Icebergs head from Antarctica for New Zealand

Maybe they're committing suicide over global warming.

Today's Highlight in History:

On Nov. 24, 1859, British naturalist Charles Darwin published "On the Origin of Species," which explained his theory of evolution by means of natural selection.
He has been quietly evolving underground since 1882.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Game Day/Kegs 'n' Eggs 2009

Thursday, November 19, 2009


Iraqi lawmakers trying to break election deadlock
Have they considered just beheading the infidels?

AP NewsBreak: China holds, mistreats US geologist
I'm more of a mistreat, and then hold, kind of guy.

Big powers ponder how to punish Iran for nukes
Maybe Obama could apologize
for us overreacting on the whole "hostage" thing. That'll show em'!

Utah teen to challenge citation for McDonald's rap
I guess nothing rhymes with Filet-O-Fish.

Geithner urges prompt action on financial overhaul
Before he has to pay taxes.

Experts say radical measures won't stop swine flu
Since when do "experts" know about effective pig sex?

Geithner Rejects Lawmaker Request He Resign

What, and pay taxes like the little people? NEVER!

Senate girds for historic debate on health bill

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Pacific NW Ninja

Colo. medical pot suppliers will have to pay taxes
DUDE! Is Rastafarian-ism a religion?

Obama: Aim is to put US on path to end Afghan war
Did he just figure this out?

Obama confident in conviction of Sept. 11 suspect
Then why have a trial?

City trying to make sense of brutal gang rape
Exactly how big was this gang?

East Coast states totaling damage from nor'easter
Well, if they win on Wheel of Fortune, it will be with a t & h.

Vaccines on horizon for AIDS, Alzheimer's, herpes
Now who will ask: "Where'd you get that cold sore you old fag?"

Chiefs WR Bowe suspended for drug violation
Depending on the drugs, he was already suspended.

UN: Fight climate change with free condoms
I'm glad retards have a place to work.

Police: Would-be Seattle ninja impaled on fence
This would never happen to a real Seattle Ninja.

Memo to LeBron: MJ is doing fine without your help
Note from LeBron: MJ is dead! Eee Hee Hee JAMON!

Meteor showers in Asia disappoint
Maybe everybody was expecting Meteol Showels.

3 celebs head to 'Dancing With the Stars' final

Where the hell is my backup 'stache!?

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sweet 'n' Short

In Asia, Obama Makes Promises of Change
...and the campaign continues.

Abortion Funding in Health Care Reform Splits Democrats

Sounds painful. Imagine what it does to babies!

Mexico plans big Gulf tourism center near Texas
They should call it 'Mexico'.

Reports: Titans owner makes crude gesture to fans

Since when is "Ticket Prices" called a crude gesture?

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Saturday, November 14, 2009


Obama urges Congress to put off Fort Hood probe
We should go at the same pace as his health-care bill.

Ohio executions back on with 1-drug method
I hope the drug is a sledgehammer.

Judge says seals can stay in California cove

These seals eat the fish that American seals don't want to eat.

FDA finds bits of steel, rubber in Genzyme drugs
The marketing department wanted to call them "Flavo-Chunkz".

Iran sets up Internet crime unit
I sense some liberal hand chopping is close behind.

Iran artists in tug of war with government
I bet it's not about Mohammad in a piss-filled jar.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I got spackle drying!

NC man charged with kidnapping missing 5-year-old
Shouldn't he at least get some credit for finding the kid?

Mo. cops hunt for child abuse clues hidden in jars
The mo, the merrier.

Police: Mike Tyson in scuffle at LA airport
But it's only on Pay-Per-View.

Japan's emperor marks 20th anniversary on throne
He must rike cheese a rot!

Scientists: New dinosaur species found in SAfrica
It's always in the last place you look!

Women face tough choices on abortion coverage
Imagine what the baby must go through!

US adult smoking rate rises slightly

Thank you great leader!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Blog post(mortem)

Pa. man tried scaring cat with lighter, killed mom
Another file from "Shakespeare's Unused Story Ideas".

Man allegedly pushes girlfriend's car into river
ahem, alleged river.

Schools shun Kindle, saying blind can't use it
Then they should ban Driver's Ed too.

Crews search next door to Ohio home with 11 bodies
Doesn't rigor mortis make it hard to get them through the door?

1 dead in Kansas City, Mo., crane accident
Infant Mortality explained.

U.N. says hunger stunts some 200 million children

The danger of hunger stunts.

Study: Lack of health care killed 2,266 U.S. veterans last year
Fortunately, Obama's policies created or saved over 2 million.

Gov't says brown pelicans are endangered no longer
and I say they are delicious once more!

Few Americans make end-of-life wishes known
Unless "Arrgh" counts as an end-of-life wish.

Study: Kidney angioplasty brings risks, no benefit
This Just In: from the ObamaCare Health Panel.

Review: Reports on Pfizer drug studies misleading
This Just In: from the ObamaCare Health Panel.

Obama administration seeks to fix airline industry
Imagine Amtrak with wings!

So, let me get this straight...11/11/09

So, let me get this straight...Obama's health care plan will be written by a committee whose Chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress which hasn't read it, signed by a President who smokes, funded by a Treasury Chief who did not pay his taxes, overseen by a Surgeon General who is obese, and financed by a country that is nearly broke. What could possibly go wrong?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

My President is smarter than a thermos.

Ex-Miss California Prejean admits sex tape
To be fair, I will reserve my judgment until I view the tape 30-40 times.

Mutual of Omaha settles 'aha' suit against Winfrey
Take on me!

Obama says it's now Senate's turn on health care
Give the man credit for finally starting to understand the political process!

Navajo Code Talkers to be in NYC Veterans parade
Please don't litter, or he'll cry.

Somali pirates demand $3M for ship with 18 crew
Plus, it has a half bath and they'll help with closing costs!

FBI reassessing past look at Fort Hood suspect
How reassuring!

China sends panda expert to Taiwan to aid breeding
Why don't they just send a horny panda?

Minn. man allegedly assaults worker with backhoe
ahem, an alleged backhoe.

W.Va. man wants relief from flocks of birds
I reckon he could run, run so far away.

Accenture to Add 8,000 Staff in India
Imagine training them all to pronounce "Accenture".

EU objects to Oracle's takeover of Sun
Neo is gonna open up a can o' whoop-ass too.

Obama pressed into role as healer, inevitably
For he is, THE ONE!

Obama says he wants to visit Hiroshima in future
Healer, Time-Traveler, How do he do it!?!

Today's Highlight in History:

In 1917, 41 suffragists were arrested for picketing in front of the White House. END WOMEN'S SUFFRAGE NOW!

In 1975, the ore-hauling ship SS Edmund Fitzgerald and its crew of 29 mysteriously sank during a storm in Lake Superior with the loss of all on board. Except for Gordon Lightfoot.