Thursday, July 31, 2008

Flogging Bloggers

NYPD nabs man accused of killing woman in Mass.
Was he on his way to Confession?

Court upholds flogging researchers

probably by their thumbs.

Man wins appeal in bizarre gasoline suicide case
Not my cup of tea, but hey, whatever lights your fire.

Police hunt stolen rare shark
The first place I would look is water.

Puerto Rican police make undersea discovery
Let me guess...a rare stolen shark?

Bush signs bill to triple AIDS funding
AIDS Funding causes Global Warming.

Astronaut technology could prevent elderly falls
Plus the giant white spacesuit works like a full-body Depen

Today's Highlight in History:
Ten years ago: President Clinton said he would "completely and truthfully" answer prosecutors' questions about Monica Lewinsky in testimony to be beamed by closed-circuit television to a grand jury. though his fingers were crossed, so it didn't count.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Nouvelle Blog

Senate legend laid low by ethics scandal
Did Christopher Dodd get another shady loan from Countrywide?

LA blocks new fast-food outlets from poor areas
This will be a good way to introduce nouvelle cuisine to the needy.

Pediatricians nix heart tests before ADHD drugs
Forget heart tests; they should focus on..oooh look a squirrel!

Today's Highlight in History:
In 1918, poet Joyce Kilmer, a sergeant in the 165th U.S. Infantry Regiment, was killed during the Second Battle of the Marne in World War I. (Kilmer is perhaps best remembered for his poem "Trees."and his last words: "OH F**K!")

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


Americans remain gloomy about economy
It's so bad here, it may be a good time for some of them to leave.

Tourism rises globally, but not to U.S.
I've noticed that al-Qaida tends to stay closer to Europe since 2001.

The truth about cell phones and cancer
There's no evidence, but that never stopped Al Gore.

Hurricane Dolly may have shrunk Gulf 'dead zone'
Thank You Global Warming!

Virgin Galactic shows off mothership aircraft
Na-Nu, Na-Nu.

Study: 'Pre-dementia' is rising, especially in men
Thats' absurd! Just ask my ribbon dragon lampshade.

Rapid rise seen in fatal medication errors at home
Ridiculous! As long as I follow my Nitroglycekl;jlzzzzzzzzzzzz

Today's Highlight in History:
In 1900, Italian King Humbert I was assassinated by an anarchist; he was succeeded by his son, Victor Emmanuel III.
or as his friends called him, 'The Anarchist'.

In 1914, transcontinental telephone service began with the first test phone conversation between New York and San Francisco.
It was a prank call to a Bathhouse.

In 1967, an accidental rocket launch aboard the supercarrier USS Forrestal in the Gulf of Tonkin resulted in a fire and explosions that killed 134 servicemen. and was survived by John McCain, who later returned to active duty & continued to fly missions until he was captured by the North Vietnamese and subsequently tortured for 5 years until his release. Due to his multiple arm injuries he cannot comb his own hair, nor make a wicked free-throw shot like Obama, but I guess that's just the cost of character.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Nixon's Blog

Johnson survives tire debacle at Indianapolis
Any topic involving a Johnson, something Rubber-oriented & the word Debacle is invariably funny.

Falling rock kills climber on Oregon's Mount Hood
When Nature Attacks!

Obama visits doctor to treat sore hip
On a side note; Bill Clinton has a sore on his lip.

Today's Highlight in History:
In 1868, the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, guaranteeing due process of law, was certified in effect by Secretary of State William H. Seward. Was that Seward's Folly?

In 1914, World War I began as Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia.
Bill Clinton took us back, and we are still there!

In 1965, President Johnson announced he was increasing the number of American troops in South Vietnam from 75,000 to 125,000 "almost immediately." Remind me again why liberals call this "Nixon's War"?

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Trans Blog

Pa. hate-crime protections weakened
What’s New? Ma & the Kids have been getting special treatment for years!

Nutritionist who helped develop Cap'n Crunch dies
Nutrition & Cap’n Crunch in the same headline: Music to my ears.

Illinois ranks 43rd for black male high school graduation
and 1st in Profiling.

California 1st state to ban trans fats
Let me get this straight: Trans Gendered & Transsexuals can stay. But Trans Fats have to go, just because they’re so icky?

Analysis: US now winning Iraq War that seemed lost
Read all about it in something other than the NY Times

Male skeleton found in Stickney near water plant
I always keep mine hidden under my skin.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Hester Hears a Blog

Olympic ticket sale in Beijing starts stampede
I wonder who came in first?

Stocks advance on upbeat economic reports

Which has absolutely nothing to do with George W. Bush, all.

Food industry bitten by its lobbying success
+ Boy, 11, bites pit bull to fend off attack

He should become a lobbyist.

EPA: Few volunteering to cut greenhouse gases
Why won't any environmentalists stand up and pay for my wicked ways?

Math study finds girls are just as good as boys
How come no one is doing a Nursing study about gender inequality?

Calif. requires ships to cut pollution off coast
But if they coast, they won't get far from Calif.

Grizzly bear attacks woman in Alaska
We should drill for oil at his place first!
Hester back at Bears training camp
The killer Grizzly is named Hester? Sounds like a Dr. Seuss book.

Unwitting gardener man tends marijuana plants
Dude, that's how he became unwitting.

Three children jailed for armed holdup
just for showing their armpits?

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Minimum Blog Increase

Court rules lesbians are not just from Lesbos
And it's only a coincidence that the judge's gavel is a phallic symbol.

Source: Swimmer Jessica Hardy tests positive


Scientists recover complete dinosaur skeleton
What kind of skin did they use?

ADHD increasingly common in older kids, CDC says
I think they have that mixed up with Acne...OOH Look a Squirrel!

Obama tells Israel he's committed to its security
*as long as the polls tell him to be.

Federal minimum wage rises to $6.55 today
Only 382 hours P.K. and Vince can stop eating beans & tuna!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Pan-Fried Bloglings

How one vet's persistence paid off
“Llamas can be skittish, but I knew she’d come around.”

Rice pushes top North Korean diplomat on nukes
You want Steamed, Fried or Irradiated?

Obama tries to reassure Israelis and Palestinians
Looking for peace for all these years, and all it took was some reassurance; Obama-Style!

Beijing to set up Olympic protest zones
...and they’ll call it Taiwan.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Free Market Blog Conditions

Congress moves toward curbing oil speculation
more like curbing the free market

Mortgage giant rescue could cost $25 billion
more like curbing the free market

Obama: Iraq now needs a political solution
That will guarantee a big Vietnam-style finish!

Women on antidepressants may benefit from Viagra
Or as they used to say; "nuthin' a good screw won't fix!"

Man convicted of hate crime for accosting Wiesel
This should be interesting to Richard Gere and a handful of Gerbils.

Not everyone can meet our nudist standards
For instance; people who wear underwear.

Court rules lesbians are not just from Lesbos
This may have a chilling effect on defining Champagne.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Electric Blog-a-loo

Storm drenches part of Yucatan and heads to Texas
doing the drenching that American storms aren't willing to do

SAP shuts down support arm sued by Oracle
Hey, who leaked the plot of Matrix 4: Escape from Galador?

WHO says Asia should act against tuberculosis
sounds like a good theme for a Rock Opera.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Obamastan: YES!

Obama Visits Afghanistan on Foreign Tour
If he becomes president, his domestic policy will make US look like Afghanistan.

Oil prices tumble in biggest weekly drop ever
Thank you George W. Bush!

Hundreds of baby penguins found dead in Brazil
Which answers the question: Where do penguins go for abortions.

Serena Williams injures knee, pulls out of semi
She must have hit it on the dashboard.

Britain's Brown demands end to Israel settlements
I wonder if it was stated from one of his British Colonies?

Obama tells Karzai he plans to continue terror war
You know, the one he voted against.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Nessie Nackson is a Nacist!

Nelson Mandela: Rich should help poor
Perhaps the Poor should work for Rich. That would help.

Poll: McCain's backers less fired up than Obama's
McCain's backers are busy at work earning the tax dollars that subsidize those fired-up Obama backers.

Army to shoot live pigs for medical drill
Can’t they just buy a drill instead of running perfectly good barbecue material?

Top 10 ways to squeeze a bargain from amusement parks
#1. Don't go.

Ex-boyfriend to admit he killed three
EX-BOYFRIEND? He sounds quite the catch!

Obama to meet with German leader Merkel
I only hope Obama is sophisticated enough to speak German.

Oil markets looking for signs of buble burst
Drill the bubble. It will burst.

Tiny bug threatens California citrus industry
Don't be alarmed; it is only the magic we call

Should we move species to save them?
What: and destroy the magic we call evolution?

Baby panda adopted and nursed by cat dies
Yet another blow to

Ex-Guns N' Roses drummer arrested in Los Angeles
this just in from 1987, 1991, 1992, 1997, 2002......

Laugh Factory owner: Jackson should pay for N-word
Yeah, like at least a Nillion Dollars!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

My future is in Blogtronics.

Midwest's flood-prone communities consider buyouts
"take it out of my slush-fund"

DC residents can start applying for gun permits
the waiting period is 407 years

Hippie town's homeless attack portends trend
even HIPPIE's eventually become NIMBY's

Mississippi remains most obese state, CDC reports
but Ohio is still hi in the middle and round at both ends.

Polio resurfaces in region of Pakistan
Does that mean Osama Bin Limping?

Cleveland Clinic taking kidneys through navel
and you'll pay through the nose

Officer's squad car is wrecked 29 minutes into job
+ Boy, 11, tracks speeders with toy radar gun
A coincidence?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Helter Blogger

Obama viewed differently by whites and blacks, poll shows
And that's just his parents!

US envoy to join Iran nukes meeting
Well if he joins Iran, we should nuke his house too.

Longtime 'CSI' star preparing to leave the hit show
But it worked out so well when David Caruso left NYPD Blue.

Release denied for dying Charles Manson follower
Her "Release" will come soon enough.

Life for killer of 11 in LA commuter rail disaster
It's too bad his victims didn't get that kind of sentence.

Report: US behind in doubling science grads
Have they tried binary fission?

American Airlines to eliminate 200 pilot jobs
I recommend you tell them after they land.

New Ark. effort connecting farmers, tourists
I'd like a ocean-view suite as far from the elephant couple as possible.

Today's Highlight in History:

In 1964, in accepting the Republican presidential nomination, Barry M. Goldwater said "extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice" and that "moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue."

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Ker POW! blog

'Lucky' koala bear survives head-on car collision
It's not luck, it's Evolution!

Wis. woman accused of placing dead rat in food
That was the only way it would sit still.

Bee blamed for causing minor helicopter crash

Woman accused of smacking beau with toilet seat
It must have happened when he was getting a drink.

Physical fitness may slow Alzheimer brain atrophy
First; some jumping-jacks: 1, 2, 3, 1942, Lindberg baby...

Committee says fuzzy memories hurt Tillman probe
You'd think the blunt metallic tip would hurt the most.

Obama says Afghanistan 'a war that we have to win'
But which side he's rooting for?

Obama: Iraq distracting from every other threat
Yeah, like the election.

Man spent $1,000 a week on beer?
Pat doesn't mind. It's only Vince's money.

John Mellencamp to announce Farm Aid concert
This Just In from 1984!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Das Blog

Brett Favre wants release from Packers
that's the first step towards Heterosexuality

Packer out, Kellogg in as CBS lead announcer
Screw you Farve; Tony the Tiger sounds better anyway!

Leave banners at home, Olympic spectators told
Ah, the spirit of Communist Chinese openness!

Ex-Bush spokesman Tony Snow dies of cancer
I don't expect a huge outpouring of condolences from msnbc or cnn, but Tony Snow was a great one.

Friday, July 11, 2008

If you can't stand the Blog, get out of the kitchen.

South Korean fatally shot by North Korean soldier
Breaking News from 1952!

Obama: 'America Already Has One Dr. Phil'
It's profound statements like this that make him so doggone presidential!

Dog meat off the menu during Beijing Olympics
Does that mean I can't get the Leg of Lab!?

Desk rage spoils workplace for many Americans
Desk-by shootings are becoming rampant.

Astronauts handle explosives on daring spacewalk
What they really need is an Aerosmith tune to make it more dramatic.

AP IMPACT: An American life worth less today
Abortion alone proves that.

Thought for Today:
"False democracy shouts Every man down to the level of the average. True democracy cries All men up to the height of their fullest capacity for service and achievement." — Nicholas Murray Butler, American educator (1862-1947).

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

H.A.L. meet B.L.O.G.

US ships cigarettes, bras, more to Iran
Take That, you Heathens!

More sex means less chance of ED for older men
I don't know who ED is, but I'm playing it safe and boinking whatever I can!

Hurricane Bertha weakens to Category 2 storm

I blame Global Warming.

NASA sets date for final shuttle mission in 2010
Quick, call Stanley Kubrick, I have a movie to pitch!

Police nab two cannabis growers in cemetery
On a side note: They had been looking for Cannibal Growlers.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Patrick K. Show Yourself!

Hedge fund scammer tells NY judge he tried suicide
Before or After He Screwed People out of their Life Savings?

Scientists: Watermelon yields Viagra-like effects
same with basketball

Venus reaches seventh Wimbledon final
you know she could beat Uranus.

Death penalty possible in Vermont kidnap case
wouldn't that seem cruel & unusual?

Rush Limbaugh to get $38M a year for next 8 years
Less than Tiger Woods, but no one seems to mind that.

G-8 climate scorecard shows US in last
Argh, now we'll never be popular

Many ideas on how to get dolphins out of NJ river
Tuna nets seem to work well.

Mass. lobstermen promote practices as whale safe
say what?

Study says many dial-up users don't want broadband
"The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it."

Kroger expands ground beef recall
I remember the Ground Chuck from last year. Twas divine!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Divine Secrets of the YaYa Bloghood

State finds fault with barbershop that helps kids
"Yeah, you can't succeed at something we're supposed to be doing!"

22 ducks die around apartment ponds
This looks like a job for THE DEMOCRATS!

Memo blames plumber
I blame George Bush.

Indians on deck
an excited
entry from the diary of Christopher Columbus.

Reds on deck
an annoyed entry from the diary of Christopher Columbus.

Bear alert
a cautious
entry from the diary of Bo 'Bandit' Darville.

Bonds ball* goes into Hall amid a bit of controversy
They should put it next to Lance Armstrong's one.

Starbucks to close 600 US stores, rein in growth
and that's just in Peoria!

Poll: Obama beats McCain as barbecue guest
The Politics of Personal Destruction...

Chinese party boss delivers attack on Dalai Lama
Call Chow Yun Fat, I have a movie to pitch!

Angelina Jolie's obstetrician to give report
followed by a symposium by her podiatrist.

Oil is making millionaires in North Dakota
Sales of Front-Yard, Above-Ground pools are going through the roof!

Myanmar politics roiled, but junta grip firm
Say what?!

Dolphins can spend Independence Day in NJ river
Jimmy Hoffa does it every year!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

I'll take BLOG for $200, Alex.

Obama to expand Bush's faith based programs
But it's OK this time, because IT'S OBAMA!

Nebraska company recalls beef linked to central Ohio E. coli outbreak
"ah yes, I remember it well. The diarrhea was horrific!"

Earth's Cries Recorded in Space
it's just Al Gore moaning

Lawyer says family 'outraged' over inmate's death
so is the family of the Officer he killed.

Study: World Gets Happier
I blame George W. Bush.

Clark: Obama had no part in McCain comments
Obama is surrounded by pussies.

Surprising fact: Half of gun deaths are suicides
But all of Suicide Bombings are Homicides

Heath Ledger's hometown to name theater after him
'The Overvalued Junkie' has a nice ring to it.

Tavira, one-handed violinist, dies at 84
In honor, I will perform my one-handed clap.

Beijing Boasts Stunning New Buildings
They withstand earthquake, unrike sirry schoolhouses!

Richard Branson plans Caribbean eco-resort
Call Chuck Norris, I have an Eco-Disaster movie to pitch!

AP Interview: Ex-Intel head pushes electric cars
I would use it to stop them from rolling.

Jolie goes into French hospital for birth of twins
She sould name them Surrender & Monkey.