Friday, June 27, 2008


Poll: Most Clinton supporters back Obama
Reflection: Most Clinton Supporters Lack Conviction

Bill Gates to sign off at Microsoft
now he's just another unemployed American

Obama and Clinton to make first joint appearance
She strikes me as more of a meth user.

Facebook to users: Let's cut grammatical errors
..and stop drinking from the milk carton!

Homeless quake dogs rescued by Chinese woman
Another batch of "Rescue Stew" comin' right up!

Border fence would cut through Texas university
That could affect the Illegal Immigrant enrollment.

Ruben Studdard prepares for weekend wedding
Burger King, Wendy's & Ronald McDonald are all invited.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

I blog your pardon!?

SAG says studios offered more to sister union
The Film Actors Guild is more interested in brotherly unions.

Supreme Court says Americans have right to guns
Breaking News from 1791!

Study: Teachers not being taught math properly
We should make their English gooder first.

Unbowed, politicians vow to execute child rapists
and I vow to vote for them when I can.

Wildfire threatens 500 homes in Big Sur, Calif.
That's no Wildfire; That's Natural Selection!

Authorities hope to shoo dolphins from N.J. rivers
Why would they want to interfere with Evolution?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Beware of the Blog.

Report: Climate change linked to national security
If we only focus on Climate Change, our National Security will suffer.

Obama asks supporters to help Clinton pay off debt
If he becomes President, he won't be asking...

Switching languages can also switch personality: study
The abundance of Spanish signs in business kind of proves that.

Astronomers on Verge of Finding Earth's Twin
I wonder if she is as Hott!

Supreme Court Rejects Death Penalty for Child Rape
If we can't kill them, I demand that the perpetrators
receive a daily dose of what imprisoned them.

Doctors Say Medication Is Overused in Dementia
that’s not what Cornflake Monkey Radio told me

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

You Want Blog? You Can't Handle the Blog!

Rockets fired at Israel from Gaza shake truce
That is soooo Israely to have Gaza shoot rockets at you just to shake a truce!

McCain calls for energy efficient government

Maybe we could cut the Senate & Congress in half by 2009.

AFL-CIO getting ready to endorse Obama

Who Woulda Thunk It!?

Brain injuries cause half of seniors' fall deaths

The rest of the year is usually just because of old age.

Lack of sunshine vitamin may cloud survival odds

excess of time shortens survival odds to 0%

Salmonella can ride water into tomatoes

Do bears even like tomatoes?

New clue to Alzheimer's found

The Solution is's in...dammit, I just had it here a moment ago...

Boy George denied US visa, can't give NYC concert

He should just sneak across the border like everyone else.

Friday, June 20, 2008


Apple patches Safari bug
Balderdash! Apple has no flaws.

Floods engulf archaic levee system

Breaking News from 2005!

House prepares to debate new surveillance law
In private.

Sarcasm Seen as Evolutionary Survival Skill

Japan suicides near record high in 2007
They've probably made the process more efficient too.

Business leaders call for global warming action
There's Money in Them Thar Hills!

WHO says China needs mental health care
Sounds like a good subject for a Rock Opera.

Midwest floods bring despair and resolve
and water.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Rip Van Blogle

Honda rolls out new zero-emission car
The only emissions are after you start the engine!

Obama finds refuge, identity in basketball
I think he pretty much has that voting block covered.

Lieberman irks Democrats by criticizing Obama

APNewsBreak: Companies get OK to annoy polar bears
Maybe we should just abort them, since that is still legal.

Wang hurt, A-Rod homers as Yanks crush Astros 13-0
Too...Many...Euphemisms....Must..Warn...Others...Before..It...Is Too.....Late....

Astronomers spot dozens of 'super-Earths'
It may clash, but they should check them too.

Report: Britney Spears' sister gives birth to baby girl
Now she can get back to work and finish 4th grade.

Top Sadrist official arrested in Amarah
Hear That Al-Quada? ARRESTED!

Drilling splits Ohio lawmakers down party lines
Hatchets will work too.

Obama promises "bottom-up" economic growth
He'll Tax the Poor Too!

McCain calls for building 45 new nuclear reactors
Clean, Renewable, Econ-Green!

Cindy McCain has harsh words for Myanmar's leaders
Hear That Burma? a Smackdown from the Hot Beer Lady!

Obama says bin Laden must not be a martyr
You Gotta Respect His 'Family First' Viewpoint.

Leading indicators inch up, but weakness remains
Make her pinch your fanny and call you Papa Smurf. That always helped me along.

Stocks fluctuate after Philly manufacturing report
and Cheese-steak prices are through the roof!

South Korean ex-professor claims dog clones
He named the puppies Bigger & Serving.

Friday, June 13, 2008


Bush says West must stand with Afghanistan

NASA engineers inspect floating object, protrusion

"It's no big deal!"

Study sees discrepancies in VA care for men, women
The women aren't getting as many vasectomies.

107-year-old NH man to lead Andover alumni parade
Does NH stand for Near Heaven?

Friday 13th not more unlucky, study shows
Well of course it isn'kjgjkgkjll;;;;;;;lllllllllllllll!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Long and Winding Blog

More teens seeking plastic surgery to fit in
Sealing the mouth would be a good start.

Retail sales jump by largest amount in 6 months
I blame George Bush.

Report: Worrisome rise in underweight babies
The people most worried are at Planned Parenthood.

Gaza house blast kills 7; Hamas hints at accident

Worker dies at chemical weapons plant in Alabama
Maybe he wanted to become a superhero.

Judge in porn tempest has distinguished career
Someday, I would like to judge a porn tempest.

Obama site confronts rumors
allegedly, he is not Sasquatch.

Analysis: Obama feels way in handling advisers
this is when Bill Clinton could really come in handy.

Oil prices drop as dollar strengthens
Damn You George W. Bush!

China denies hacking into US computers
Don't be sirry!

Study: Marijuana potency increases in 2007
and Chicken McNugget sales are through the roof!

Memoir coming from Madonna's brother
I was unaware that Jesus even had an uncle.

Continental cuts to hit Cleveland and Houston
You'd think this would affect the edges first.

Tiger Woods is 5 shots off pace at US Open
Don't forget that he's blindfolded and one arm is tied behind his back.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Hold Me Closer, Tiny Blogger

US life expectancy tops 78 as top diseases decline
Thank you George W. Bush! (Heck, he gets blamed for things he can't control. We might as well give him credit for this.)

Telescope launched to scout out gamma rays

First images in!

With lab delivered, shuttle leaves space station
That should solve the problem with Space Squirrels.

Engineers search for fuel-saving big rigs
Um, don't they already have trains?

Flat visitor season anticipated in Alaska
The big-chested ones head to South Padre Island.

Today's Highlights in History:

In 1770, Capt. James Cook, commander of the British ship Endeavour, discovered the Great Barrier Reef off Australia by running onto it. That's how my grandpa discovered his house.

In 1947, the government announced the end of household and institutional sugar rationing, to take effect the next day.
On a side note, Ritalin was also publicly introduced.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Give Me Back My BLOG!

Big Brown trainer pins blame on jockey
This could leave marks on Hanes as well.

3 from Lesbos sue gay group over 'Lesbian' name
"A Boy Named Sue"?

Bond revoked on suspect in Haiku assault
Starting Skinny
The Juice Made Him

Tomato outbreak is reminder to follow food safety tips
Image:Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.jpg

Servants often the usual suspects in Indian crimes
by the way, has anyone seen Tonto recently?

Ohio judge says state must change lethal injection law
I agree. We should add fully-conscious evisceration to the punishment.

Oil reverses course, falls on strong dollar
Read All About It on Pg.D27 in the NY Times!

France blocks online child porn, terrorism, racism
Well, now they've solved that, what about their body odor?

Mars lander scientists to try last soil shake
I add whipped cream to make it extra yummy!

Milan clinic probed for alleged needless surgery
Probing is always allegedly needless surgery.

Experts: Experimental meds an option for Kennedy
um, experimental meds were always the choice for Kennedy.

Conjoined twins separated in San Antonio
I'll bet one is at the Alamo.

Today in History:
1935 Dr Robert Smith & William Wilson of Akron form Alcoholics Anonymous So much for the Anonymous part.

1943 FDR signs withholding tax bill into law (this is W-2 Day!)
Thanks for screwing up taxes forever!

1999 Yugoslav troops departed Kosovo, prompting NATO to suspend its punishing 78-day air war. And we're still there!

Friday, June 6, 2008

Live and Let Blog

Parents Find Frustration With Process at Schools
They should throw money at it. That seems to have worked well in the past.

Leaders of 4 ‘F’ Schools Are Now Up for Bonuses
Hey, Just Like Congress!

Westlake High School misspells 'education' on diplomas
I think it looks gooder that way.

Hillary Clinton shattered a political glass ceiling
Temper, Temper.

Vote on climate bill is blocked in Senate
The Senate hates Earth.

Study: $45 trillion needed to combat warming
Come on Senate, it only $45 TRILLION!

Bond considered for longtime death row inmate
Forcing him to watch Octopussy is cruel & unusual treatment.

Myanmar lashes out at cyclone response criticism
Is Myanmar an Anagram for Mayor Nagin?

Young voters: Obama's race as an asset, non-issue
How can it be an asset if it is a non-issue?

Congressman: Clinton camp uses divisive tactics

S. African health minister: HIV rates declining
I blame George W. Bush.

Black Japanese watermelon sold at record price
If I make a joke here, reparations may be demanded.

Obama's victory stirs hope from abroad
not if her last name is Clinton.

Obama kids size up little lily-white town
Isn't Racial Profiling adorable!?

This Day in History:

D-Day: 150,000 Allied Expeditionary Force lands in Normandy, France
Another reason to fly the U.S. Flag, as if you needed one.

1946 Henry Morgan is 1st to take off shirt on TV
I guess it's good that no one had TV's at the time.

1966 Activist James Meredith shot in Mississippi
Where did he land?


Egypt Deploys Hundreds Of Policemen on Gaza Border
but it's only undocumented Palestinians wanting to do the work Egyptians won't do!

Thursday, June 5, 2008


Does anyone know where I can buy a translucent burqa?

The Accountability Issue

Accused 9/11 mastermind wants death sentence
What a coincidence!

Photographer accused of stalking younger Spears
"That ain't no photographer, that my baby-daddy!"

Seizing cars from drunk drivers
Not without a nasty comment about your mom, angry crying and a possible throw-up session.

The good ol’ days...*

Prior to the 2006 Congressional Elections:
1) Consumer confidence stood at a 2 1/2 year high
2) Regular gasoline sold for $2.19 a gallon
3) The unemployment rate was 4.5%.

Since voting in a Democratic Congress in 2006 we have seen:
1) Consumer confidence plummet
2) The cost of regular gasoline soar to over $4.00 a gallon
3) Unemployment is up to 5% (a 10% increase)
4) American households have seen $2.3 trillion in equity value evaporate (stock and mutual fund losses)
5) Americans have seen their home equity drop by $1.2 Trillion dollars
6) 1% of American homes are in foreclosure

Politicians demand ‘Change’. Going back two years would be a good start.

*thank you DBN for your well received email.

How about a WindBag Tax on Congress?

Prices surge for oil-based goods
Hey, at least were saving money by not building lavish Oil Rigs & Refineries.

Meals on Wheels choking on gas prices
DEMOCRATS: Helping the Poor & Hungry maintain a fashionable Carbon Footprint since 2006

Whispered in the New York Times

Ex-Obama Fund-Raiser Is Convicted of Fraud

Weekly Jobless Claims Unexpectedly Fall

Retailers Beat Expectations in May

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

No Training Wheels

Obama seeks to reassure Jewish leaders on Israel
Recognizing them as a state is a positive first step.

Clinton refuses to bow out of presidential race
I once had a girlfriend like that.

United slashes staff, planes as it tries to save money
Please, just let them land first.

Space station residents to fix toilet
It's been awhile. I hope the washing machine is still working.

New report identifies dangerous Web domains
Whatever you do, don't visit

McMahon fighting foreclosure on Beverly Hills home
It's OK. I heard that he may have already won $10,000,000!

Agency opposes big dairy farm
That seems awfully lactose intolerant.

New Hints Seen That Red Wine May Slow Aging
If you drink enough, it reverses some aging until morning.

Obama Clinches Nomination; First Black Candidate to Lead a Major Party Ticket
Apparently the NYTimes finds profiling a minority acceptable.

Clinic Treats Mental Illness by Enlisting the Family
I always thought they were its major cause.

Opponents of Evolution Adopting a New Strategy
So, you're saying that they are evolving? I am so confuuused!

Today's highlight in history:

On June 4, 1942, the Pacific Battle of Midway began during World War II; three days later, American naval forces claimed a decisive victory over the Japanese. FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!

In 1784, opera singer Elizabeth Thible became the first woman to fly aboard a Montgolfier hot-air balloon, over Lyon, France. It has been said that her screams were like that of a songbird.

In 1892, the Sierra Club was incorporated in San Francisco. It was originally known as the Sierra Gentleman's Club & Bathhouse.

In 1896, Henry Ford made a successful pre-dawn test run of his horseless carriage, called a "quadricycle," through the streets of Detroit. Shortly thereafter, it was set on fire.

Thought for Today: "If America forgets where she came from, if the people lose sight of what brought them along, if she listens to the deniers and mockers, then will begin the rot and dissolution." — Carl Sandburg, American writer (1878-1967). Truer words were never spoken.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


Clinton campaign says not conceding tonight
Buy Shares in Buttered Popcorn and Big-Screen TV's.

AP tally: Obama effectively clinches nomination
Has anyone told...HER?

Clinton says if it helps Dems, she's open to veep
Um, Barack, it looks like I can go to the prom with you after all!

Venezuelan intelligence law draws protests
Perhaps they're open to a strong female Senator from NY.

To Blog; Perchance to Post.

Chinese police drag grieving parents from protest
Communism = Utopia

Foreigners reminded to behave during Olympics
Communism = Utopia

China Disbars Lawyers Who Offered to Defend Tibetans
Communism = Utopia

Penguins stay alive with triple-overtime victory
Polar Bears only needed Congress.

TO agrees to 3-year, $27M extension with Cowboys
CEO's Make Too Much Mon....oh, nevermind.

New attorney general demotes No. 2 lawyer
there's a lawyer who specializes in poop?

Anti-smoking group battles state over $230 million
"but it's not about the money."

Sen. Kennedy's soul mate steady in roughest waters
it helps that she's entombed in a Buick.

Monday, June 2, 2008

to thawart or not to thwart

British rowers try to cross the Atlantic Ocean
Breaking News from 1620

Key to All Optical Illusions Discovered
Women often call it ‘make-up’.

Kennedy's brain surgery is risky, doctors say
So it driving with him. Convert Your Car to Run on Water.
Kennedy could have used this around Chappaquiddick.

Japan man discovers woman living in his closet
Could this be a case of split personality syndrome?

Bomb explodes outside Danish embassy in Pakistan
Would it be gauche to send donuts in condolence?

Tatum O'Neal arrested in NYC after buying crack cocaine
She was doing research for her sequel “Rolling Paper Moon”.

Boy takes gun to school, then flees
OK, the flees are annoying, but for the gun he should get a detention.

HIV, AIDS patients embracing exercise
Didn’t “embracing” get them into trouble in the first place?

Court ruling OKs mercury fillings
Your teeth look great, but you’ll be dead next week.

Today's Highlight in History:

In 1897, Mark Twain, 61, was quoted by the New York Journal as saying from London that “the report of my death was an exaggeration.” Not anymore.

One year ago: U.S. authorities said four Muslim men had been foiled from carrying out a plot to destroy John F. Kennedy International Airport, kill thousands of people and trigger an economic catastrophe by blowing up a jet fuel artery running through populous New York residential neighborhoods. Gosh, I hope their respective civil liberties were not encroached upon in the thwarting of this victimless alleged crime.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Reading Between the Lines

McClellan: Bush should have fired Rove
"Then I wouldn't have written this temper-tantrum."

McClellan: Bush should have fired Rove
"because Rove isn't nearly as catty as me...meow!"

McClellan: Bush should have fired Rove
"and then Bush wouldn't have won two elections."