Friday, January 30, 2009

EarthPig Rising!

AP Exclusive: Bad peanuts found before outbreak
The Dark Side of Snoopy.

Obama slams Wall Street for rich executive bonuses
Please ignore the $4 million he made last year as a Senator.

Congress to hold hearing on peanut butter recall
Dear Lord, have they found steroids there too!?!

Tom Jones will get intimate on new US tour
He's going to show his truss and a slide-show of his grandchildren.

Springsteen promises high-energy halftime show
Thanks to fossil fuels.

Report: Estalella to testify against Bonds

"We made love in the submerible Lotus and then he broke my spacelaser."

Senators question Daschle's late tax filing
with questions like; "How did you do it?" and "Can I do it too?"

Government allies see gains in Iraqi elections

No charges in boy's death
First one's on the house!

New Ill. governor plans Washington lobbying trip
Lobbying is good now with B.O. at the helm!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


Iceland to appoint first openly gay woman as PM
so...many...possible...euphemisms. makes...head...hurt.

Iceland to appoint first openly gay woman as PM
Wouldn't that be PMS?

Iceland to appoint first openly gay woman as PM
Finally; the true definition of Ice Queen!

US roads, water and basic systems earn 'D' grade
This Just in from the Obama Marketing Dept.

How Al-Arabiya got the Obama interview
because it was prophesied in the scribes!

US envoy calls for end to Hamas weapons smuggling
If that doesn't work, I recommend a tersely worded letter.

Thai court convicts 66 migrants of illegal entry
they were only looking for a Thai Pad to crash.

Bill Clinton made millions from foreign sources


IBM quietly cuts thousands of jobs
Please ignore the screaming.

Gaza drives a wedge in Paris imam's dialogue with Jews
at least he didn’t get a Swirly.

Colleges cope as endowments pinch

Ahh, the dulcet tones of the world’s smallest violin!

Schwarzenegger seeks send to prison oversight
Say What?

Union membership rises for second straight year
The Stimulus Plan is already working!

Virginia Parents Fight for Easier Grading Standards
Yes Virginia, there is a lowest common denominator.

Today's Highlight in History:
In 1973, a cease-fire officially went into effect in the Vietnam War.

Started by a Democrat, finished by a Republican.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Evening Edition

Report: Some climate damage already irreversible
Looks like the Great Lakes are here to stay.

Obama orders push to cleaner, more efficient cars
Pushing his car would be cleaner & more efficient.

Nielsen: Newspapers getting more Web visits

Confirmed births of octuplets
That's a lot of, kids.

Salazar says limits needed on offshore drilling
Said the man from Colorado.
Haley Joel Osment Caught Drawing Snow Penis
Going out on a limb here...Democrat?

B Funkadelic.

White House e-mail system crashes
must be the Toni Braxton video Barack was downloading.

Is Anna Wintour leaving 'Vogue'?
Oh look! A bunch of words that have no meaning to me.

Blagojevich says he's considering legal action
First on the list: Name Change.

Geithner announces new lobbying rules for bailout
First on the list: Pay Taxes.

Insurgents seize seat of Somalia's parliament
By definition, this would be Parliament Funk.

Hartford mayor arrested on bribery charges
NicFitz's Headline Tip of the Day: If they don't
blare the word Republican in the headline, it's a Democrat.

Today's Highlight in History:
In 1901, opera composer Giuseppe Verdi died in Milan, Italy, at age 87. He's been decomposing ever since!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Yes, We Can!

The only thing that offends me about this is the lack of a Chia George Bush. I mean, certainly his name alone demands shrubbery on his head!

The Sniffles/Ruffles Connection

Leading indicators, home sales rise
This Just In from the Obama Marketing Dept.

ADHD drugs can cause hallucinations in some kids
That's Ridicul...oh look a purple squirrel!

Obesity is caught like the common cold, studies show
Achoo!oooh are you gonna eat those french fries?

Impeachment trial to proceed without Ill. governor

Get Well Soon!

Last whale stranded in Australia dies
It's a relief that we don't have to blubber about them anymore.

The former Cat Stevens performs song for Gaza
on a side note: Former fans didn't listen.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Bond Girl: Uvula von Coccyx

Taxpayers kept funding Biden's bid
This is only bad if Republicans do it.

Obama to lift funding ban for abortion groups abroad
Pay locally, Kill Globally.

Failed telecommunications satellite drifts out of control
Call Roger Moore, I have a movie to pitch!

Ill. gov tells AP that strain is like Pearl Harbor
"except for the planes, ships, bombs and Japanese people parts."

Report: Ex-Gitmo detainee joins al-Qaida in Yemen
Obama's first success story!

Japan launches rocket with greenhouse-gas probe
um, wouldn't that be Gleenhouse-Gas Plobe?

Scientists solve mystery: 3 fish are all the same
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu! (Here's the song, you big babies!)

Aretha gave Obama collection of dad's sermons
and he gave her a $20 gift card to Boston Market.

But this is different!

Inauguration: Joy or Pain?
The media tries to cover up its double-standard reporting.

JANUARY 22, 2009, 3:04 P.M. ET

Walking the freezing streets of Washington D.C. at 5:00 on the morning of the Inauguration, you could already feel the excitement. In a sense, it's understandable that so many in the press went overboard in their coverage Tuesday: history was made before our eyes. I didn't mind it, really. But what is offensive was the constant refrain that "America comes together" during Inaugurations. This is a line applied to Democrats. Republicans are not awarded that courtesy by the press.

The most obvious contrast comes from the Associated Press. On January 12, 2001, the AP headline was "Texans' inaugural ball will be definitive Texas excess." Reporter Suzanne Gamboa asserted: "It would be redundant to say this party put on by Texans is big, but is it big enough to meet the definition of Texas excess? You bet." The AP noted $1.75 million in corporate sponsorships, and trotted out the usual "watchdog groups" to lament the lobbyist access through excess.

On January 13, 2005, AP's Will Lester disparaged the "lavish" Bush inauguration, creatively listing how much could be purchased with the millions wasted on the ceremonies: 200 armored Humvees with the best armor for troops in Iraq, vaccinations and preventive health care for 22 million children in regions devastated by the tsunami, even a down payment on the nation's deficit, "which hit a record-breaking $412 billion last year."

Lester added that Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban (the man who would soon hire disgraced Dan Rather for his HDNet channel) insisted President Bush should cancel all his parties and festivities to set an example. Democratic congressmen Anthony Weiner and Jim McDermott were highlighted for urging Bush in a letter that he imitate FDR's 1945 inaugural, where he served guests "cold chicken salad and plain pound cake."

But on January 13, 2009, with deficit estimates passing over the trillion-dollar mark, the AP urged that "excess" was mandatory for an inauguration they finally felt was worth celebrating. They wrote of no attempts to ask liberal Democrats if they would now urge Obama to stick to cold chicken salad and pound cake.

AP's Laurie Kellman was aware that the economy was in crisis, but breezily suggested "glitzing it up" was a must. "So you're attending an inaugural ball saluting the historic election of Barack Obama in the worst economic climate in three generations. Can you get away with glitzing it up and still be appropriate, not to mention comfortable and financially viable? To quote the man of the hour: Yes, you can. Veteran ballgoers say you should. And fashionistas insist that you must."

A few days after the Media Research Center marked this incredibly stark contrast in AP attitudes in defining what is "news," AP issued a new story by Matt Apuzzo which acknowledged the contrast between Obama's parties and the economic gloom. Apuzzo reprised the 2005 comments of Reps. Weiner and McDermott, and then passed along that Obama's inauguration committee says it is mindful of the times and is not worried people will see the four days of festivities as excessive.

Former ABC reporter Linda Douglass, the Obama transition spokeswoman, elaborated that Team Obama would "keep costs down by having the same decorations at each of the 10 balls, eliminating floral arrangements and negotiating prices on food." A spokesman for Rep. McDermott saluted Obama's team for "trying to be reflective of the climate." This time, the Politico newspaper reported that former Congressman Tom DeLay suggested Obama could have the simple chicken dinner, but he didn't make this AP story. There were no critical conservatives or Republicans or even Naderite "watchdog groups" to add any vinegar to this attempt by the nation's preeminent wire service to temper their biases.

A few reporters eventually offered a traditional "watchdog group" story. On the morning of January 20, ABC's Brian Ross found the Naderites at Public Citizen and declared that "even in the middle of a brutal recession, there's been no shortage of wealthy Americans ready to pay for the most expensive inaugural ever." (This is hardly as sour a report as ABC's successful search in 2005 for a Iraq-related military funeral that the late Peter Jennings could highlight on the Inauguration Day evening news.)

Aside from the cost, the media treated the Obama inauguration as a historic and inspiring occasion in a president of a different color, a ceiling broken, and the arrival of a new role model for black youth. It certainly was. But once the pomp and parades are over, the media's dramatic double standard in reporting these events – depending on which party's taking power – cannot be forgotten.

For the record, the "lavish" Bush inaugural cost $43 million. Final tallies are not complete, but according to some sources, like the Guardian newspaper, the Obama inaugural will cost more than $150 million.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

This just in...

Possible bird remains found in downed jet's engine

Obama takes presidential oath again after stumble
Abraham Lincoln's Bible, Gerald Ford's shoes.

Texas wrestles with science standards, evolution
Survival of the Fittest: Cage Match '09!

Studies: Steroids do not help wheezing kids
Perhaps not, but now they can run like the dickens!

Annual Mormon-theme film festival opens in Utah
Four Weddings & a Funeral is always favored to win.

NYC interactive visitor center unveiled
It's called NYC.

Advice: Tourists should try to fit in
So should immigrants.

Senate panel approves Geithner for treasury post Tax Amnesty Day!

2 condemned to death for role in China milk crisis

Hamas calls for Palestinian reconciliation
"Can't we all just get along and kill the Zionists?"

European Union wants to double cancer screenings
Well, they should lower the price of cigarettes.

Japan learns English from Obama speech textbook

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Day One.

NKorea, Iran open to US efforts to defuse tension
but it will involve knee pads.

Last Israeli troops leave Gaza, completing pullout
OBAMA: The Peacebringer!

Geithner apologizes for not paying taxes
I tried that too, but it didn't work.


Think Locally, Act Globally
From the New York Times:

The local food movement has been all about buying seasonal food from nearby farmers. Now, thanks to the Web, it is expanding to include far-away farmers too.
A new start-up, Foodzie, is an online farmers market where small, artisan food producers and growers can sell their products. Foodies in Florida, say, can order raw, handcrafted pepperjack cheese from Traver, Calif., or organic, fair-trade coffee truffles from Boulder, Colo.

What a great idea! And why not take it one step further? Farmers could band together and form large organizations--call them "corporations"--to grow and distribute mass quantities of food. Retail operations could be set up in every town; they would be sort of super farmers markets, or "supermarkets" for short. Soon everyone everywhere would be able to buy local food from all over the world!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Bush's Real Sin Was Winning in Iraq

Bush's Real Sin Was Winning in Iraq
Wall Street Journal 1/20/09

In a few hours, George W. Bush will walk out of the Oval Office for the last time as president. As he leaves, he carries with him the near-universal opprobrium of the permanent class that inhabits our nation's capital. Yet perhaps the most important reason for this unpopularity is the one least commented on.

Here's a hint: It's not because of his failures. To the contrary, Mr. Bush's disfavor in Washington owes more to his greatest success. Simply put, there are those who will never forgive Mr. Bush for not losing a war they had all declared unwinnable.

Here in the afterglow of the turnaround led by Gen. David Petraeus, it's easy to forget what the smart set was saying two years ago -- and how categorical they all were in their certainty. The president was a simpleton, it was agreed. Didn't he know that Iraq was a civil war, and the only answer was to get out as fast as we could?

The chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee -- the man who will be sworn in as vice president today -- didn't limit himself to his own opinion. Days before the president announced the surge, Joe Biden suggested to the Washington Post he knew the president's people had also concluded the war was lost. They were, he said, just trying to "keep it from totally collapsing" until they could "hand it off to the next guy."

For his part, on the night Mr. Bush announced the surge, Barack Obama said he was "not persuaded that 20,000 additional troops in Iraq are going to solve the sectarian violence there. In fact, I think it will do the reverse."

Three months after that, before the surge had even started, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pronounced the war in Iraq "lost." These and similar comments, moreover, were amplified by a media echo chamber even more absolute in its sense of hopelessness about Iraq and its contempt for the president.

For many of these critics, the template for understanding Iraq was Vietnam -- especially after things started to get tough. In terms of the wars themselves, of course, there is almost no parallel between Vietnam and Iraq: The enemies are different, the fighting on the ground is different, the involvement of other powers is different, and so on.

Still, the operating metaphor of Vietnam has never been military. For the most part, it is political. And in this realm, we saw history repeat itself: a failure of nerve among the same class that endorsed the original action.

As with Vietnam, with Iraq the failure of nerve was most clear in Congress. For example, of the five active Democratic senators who sought the nomination, four voted in favor of the Iraqi intervention before discovering their antiwar selves.

As in Vietnam too, rather than finding their judgment questioned, those who flip-flopped on the war were held up as voices of reason. In a memorable editorial advocating a pullout, the New York Times gave voice to the chilling possibilities that this new realism was willing to accept in the name of bringing our soldiers home.

"Americans must be clear that Iraq, and the region around it, could be even bloodier and more chaotic after Americans leave," read the editorial. "There could be reprisals against those who worked with American forces, further ethnic cleansing, even genocide." Even genocide. With no hint of irony, the Times nevertheless went on to conclude that it would be even worse if we stayed.

This is Vietnam thinking. And the president never accepted it. That was why his critics went ape when, in a speech to the Veterans of Foreign Wars, he touched on the killing fields and exodus of boat people that followed America's humiliating exit off an embassy rooftop. As the Weekly Standard's Matthew Continetti noted, Mr. Bush had appropriated one of their most cherished analogies -- only he drew very different lessons from it.

Mr. Bush's success in Iraq is equally infuriating, because it showed he was right and they wrong. Many in Washington have not yet admitted that, even to themselves. Mr. Obama has. We know he has because he has elected to keep Mr. Bush's secretary of defense -- not something you do with a failure.

Mr. Obama seems aware that, at the end of the day, he will not be judged by his predecessor's approval ratings. Instead, he will soon find himself under pressure to measure up to two Bush achievements: a strategic victory in Iraq, and the prevention of another attack on America's home soil. As he rises to this challenge, our new president will learn that when you make a mistake, the keepers of the Beltway's received orthodoxies will make you pay dearly.

But it will not even be close to the price you pay for ignoring their advice and succeeding.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Godspeed President Bush

Not much to say here, other than I have been blessed to witness the presidency of an honorable and selfless man, George W. Bush.


Saturday, January 17, 2009

Guess the Party II

Guess the Party*
In July 2006, the New York Times published a 2,900-word feature about Racine, a city in southeastern Wisconsin. It began as follows:

Gary Becker, this city's mayor, remembers handing out fliers at local factory gates as a 10-year-old campaigner in Hubert H. Humphrey's ill-fated presidential bid in 1968. Mr. Becker, 48, is still a Democrat . . .

Note that this is not the Gary Becker from the University of Chicago. Mayor Becker is in the news again, as Racine's Journal Times reports:

Mayor Gary Becker has been arrested on multiple felony charges related to attempted sexual assault of a child and having child pornography, according to a state agency.
Becker was taken into custody at Brookfield Square Mall in Brookfield on Tuesday afternoon. He was arrested on charges of child enticement, possession of child pornography, exposing a child to harmful materials, attempted second-degree sexual assault of a child, use of a computer to facilitate a child sex crime and misconduct in public office, according to the Wisconsin Division of Criminal Investigation.

The Racine paper, however, makes no mention of Becker's party affiliation. Maybe they figure Raciners all know it, but the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel and the Associated Press don't mention it either. The Journal Sentinel, however, does manage to mention the affiliation of an innocent local pol:

"It's tragic news for both the mayor and his family, and for the people of the city of Racine," said John Lehman, a Racine state representative and Democrat who served with Becker on the Racine Common Council. "It saddens people all over town."

What about the Times? It runs a paragraph from AP:

Mayor Gary Becker of Racine was arrested Tuesday on tentative charges of attempted second-degree sexual assault of a child, child enticement and possession of child pornography, state officials said. Mr. Becker, left, was also accused of exposing a child to harmful materials, using a computer to facilitate a child sex crime and misconduct in public office, according to a news release by the State Department of Justice. Mr. Becker, 51, was freed Wednesday evening on a $165,000 cash bond. The Racine police received a tip two weeks ago about possible criminal activity involving Mr. Becker, Lt. James Dobbs said. Racine is Wisconsin's fifth-largest city, with about 80,000 residents. It is on Lake Michigan, about 30 miles south of Milwaukee.

We suppose that "left" in the second sentence could be an ideological label, but more likely it's a photo-caption artifact. Oh well, at least we knew what party he still was in 2006.

*From th Wall Street Journal, January 15, 2009

Friday, January 16, 2009

Liberace was found face down in the Hudson.

NASA to fly unmanned drone for science research
or as the New York Times would write it: Governmental Job Opportunities Slashed by Bush Organization.

Circuit City says will liquidate assets
It should try to sell them first.

Boy George sentenced to 15 months
In some aspects, this could be a dream vacation for him.

Hudson River hero is ex-Air Force fighter pilot

WHOA! Wait a second...are you saying that a military man did something good!?

Students didn't complain about Freshwater, teachers say

Just wait until they're FreshwaterBoarded!

3 men held in Mass. election night church fire

Just how many election night church fires were there?

Obama: 'Dramatic action' needed now to fix economy

"and by dramatic, I mean before I have to take responsibility for it."

Nude photo of 20-year-old Madonna on auction block

Why pay? If you want to see Madonna naked, just ask her.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The rules have changed.

Bone-chilling temperatures settle over East
Fixing Global Warming will only make it colder.

Google to cut 100 jobs, close engineering offices
THIS is when you know things are bad.

Why were great cities built in quake zone?
um, Democrats were in power?

Holder tells senators waterboarding is torture
It involves trickling water into a terrorists nose. It won't kill them or leave any residual effects, but it will freak them out sufficiently and compel them to tell us where the next bomb is located. What
kind of sick mind would devise such a disgusting torture?!

Kellogg pulls crackers after recall by supplier
Keep your hands off my parrot!

Penny-pinchers might unite at free dating site
I'd never even heard of!

More layoffs announced by Random House
I wish they'd be a bit more specific!

A schedule of events for Obama's inauguration
Kneepads - CHECK
Lip Gloss - CHECK
Checkbook - DOUBLE CHECK

Monday, January 12, 2009

All dogs like peanut butter.

First dog likely to be a Labradoodle or Portuguese Water Hound
a Port o' Lab?

Sharp cold wave shocks upper Midwest, temps to -36
I blame Global Warming Cooling.

Obama pressing for remaining $350B bailout funds
"Please make the check payable to: O-b-a-m-a."

Heston becomes interim Delaware County auditor
Get your paws off my taxes you damn dirty apes!"

Iraq official: Biden affirms 'responsible' pullout

I'm thinking flowers and maybe a phone call.

Ethiopian military hands over security of Somalia

How can you 'hand over' something you never had?

Unprecedented US survey tracks scope of stalking

This just in from the Department of Redundancy Department.

Sexually spread diseases up, better testing cited

Yay! oh, wait...Boo!

Bush, Obama teams hold disaster drill

Code Name: The Obama Presidency

Buying on Web to avoid sales taxes could end soon
I'm guessing Jan. 20, 2009.

Missing Ind. pilot may have fled on red motorbike
Yes officer, he last seen wearing a cardigan sweater & green sneakers...and no, he's not mentally retarded.

Guess the Party!

Not in the face!

From our Disease Marketing Dept.

Gay bishop will open inaugural weekend
In chess, that's called the Queen's Gambit.

First US count finds 1 in 200 kids are vegetarian
All of the Donner Party were Humanitarian.

Gap in what we say vs. what we do about racism
The new racism is called 'Political Correctness'.

Teen convicted of killing mother over video game
The game is called Mom Kill 3: Rise of the Infants.

Today's Highlight in History:

In 1976, mystery writer Dame Agatha Christie died in Wallingford, England, at age 85. Indeed, but how and by whose hand?

Sunday, January 11, 2009


A lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay. She received back the following reply:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of theTaliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.

You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and best of luck!

Cordially, your friend,


Wednesday, January 7, 2009


Mississippi has highest teen birth rate, CDC says
On a side note, it also has the highest teen screwing rate.

Saints: Reggie Bush had left knee surgery
in a wheelchair, I presume.

Meyer: Utah, Texas, USC should fight to be No. 1

"All at the same time...and with chainsaws!"

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Saggy Ass

Egypt and France propose plan to end Gaza conflict
What's the Egyptian word for surrendahr?

Lisa Marie Presley defends Scientology
It helps her to understand evolutionology.

Indian airline fires 9 overweight crew members
Apparently not all cows are sacred.

Today's Highlights in History
1759 - George Washington and Martha Dandridge Custis were married. Thank God they didn't hyphenate!

1838 - Samuel Morse first publicly demonstrated his telegraph. ... .- -- ..- . .-.. / -- --- .-. ... . / -.. .. . -.. / --- ..-. / ... -.-- .--. .... .. .-.. .. ...

saggy part deux

1950 - Britain recognized the Communist government of China. Indeed! Aren't they the chaps who all look alike?

1994 - Figure skater Nancy Kerrigan was clubbed on the right leg by an assailant in Detroit. She was wearing her famous 'Harp Seal' outfit.